i wish...

i wish i could take back every single text i ever sent to you. i wish i could take away any of the love i ever given to you. i wish you could treat me as if i were a human being. i wish you were capable of treating me like a human being. i wish i were strong enough and had a high enough self-esteem to really believe that i am more deserving than how you treat me.

why does it hurt me so? why does my heart scream with pain? why does it feel my heart is literally being torn in different pieces? why do i crave what is not good for me?

i wish i didn't care. i wish i didn't see deeper into the meaning of what it is to live. to live is to love. to share. to receive. to keep building and building.

there is no control. everyone is equal. reciprocation.

i am allowing myself to be treated less than a human being. I AM ALLOWING IT. i ask for it. is that why it hurts so much? because i know it's not right? i know this is not the way for me, yet i fight it. maybe that is what is really hurting. not his treatment towards me.

i'm fighting what i know is the right way for me. i'm fighting my love, my heart, my soul. i'm fighting who and what i know is me.

we control because we are scared. we treat others unkindly because we are scared. we want to control others for fear of them controlling us.

that is when relationships grow sour. i swore that wouldn't happen in my last one. but then again, i only make up one half of the relationship. he also plays a role. the role he said he was going to play was not the role he ended up playing.

when is it ok for a relationship to turn into a competition? isnt there enough of that crap in this world? i dont want my relationship to be that as well. i want my relationship to be a safe-haven. a place i can feel at peace. a place i can share my views and thoughts without anyone taking offense or feeling attacked.

because my thoughts are after all only thoughts. not truths. they become truths when you let them. if you allow truths to destroy you, you lose sight of the safe haven and purity of your relationship.

i love him. i wish i didn't love him. i wish i didn't allow him to think it's ok to treat me less than who i am.

a very dear friend of mine (bc, you are so precious to me and i love you!) told me today after reading this blog:

you are a dear heart and whomever told you otherwise, i feel bad for, as they are missing the light you can shine with if you are left to be who you are.



i'm not writing this to hurt anyone or to make anyone feel badly about themselves. once again these are only my thoughts and feelings.

all i am about is love. i'm just having a hard time finding the one i am able to truly reciprocate love and growth with.

maybe i was not put on this earth to experience it. just to teach and share. but then, that is not what life is about. life is to love is to build and grow.

i wish i could grow with you. i wish you could see another way of being. i wish i could stop wishing you could do something you aren't capable of doing right now.

as of right now, just like him, i can only do what i know and what i am capable of. we are who we are and should not be judged for what we can not see. only hope and pray that a new way will be shown to us and them.

knowing that there is more is the first step. allowing yourself to being open to more is the second step.

letting go is hard. fear sets in. control takes over.
letting go is hard. fear sets in.
letting go is hard.
letting go.
let go.
love. equality. wisdom. peace.


i love you.

celiece