doubt wants to pay a visit? sure! why not?

AHHH!!! there are too many thoughts just zooming through my head. flying around so much faster than i can keep up with to remember, let alone type out everything.. i remember when i used to have journal entries that just had a huge scratch march across the page because i wasn't able to tame any of these pieces of my unseen self long enough to turn them into something tangible and something that we as present day humans could possibly regard as an acceptable form of communication. boy, i bet if i were a cave woman, grunts and moans would have been appropriate, huh?

back to the title at hand.

where does doubt come from ? what are the limits and boundaries of doubt? how much of a role do you allow it to play in your life? i'm asking this right now because just a few moments ago i felt insanely compelled to write a letter, note, or an SMS text if you will. i was overwhelmed by such an amazing emotion of love, gratefulness and appreciation for life. basically i was in a place that made me feel so good! smiles and hugs and kisses.. just kidding.. you get the idea. so i'm typing away about learning that loving someone is not synonymous with having to share your life with them, or that they will even love you back for that matter. the words are just flowing smoothly without any thought to them. i dove a little deeper into the realm of my spirit and how i wanted to turn my longings into something that the realm of my physical being can also participate in completely. ok, now send. because i was very happy when i was writing it, everything seemed to fit into place. in fact i didn't even have a second thought.
then the little 'd' for delivered showed up in my messages list. good, it was delivered ok. let me just read over what i wrote again to stay on this 'high' on life.

uh oh. am i insane? i mean spirit realms, cravings and longings for my physical self? what the fuck am i talking about? i think i have lost it. but i make sense to me. every now and then... but, everything just connected and the world and life made sense with this way of thinking yesterday. i even wrote it down to make sure i can practice these thoughts and apply my newfound wisdom into everyday life.

if i am to embrace myself and trust my thoughts and KNOW that i am a good person with only the best intent, WHY DO I COME OFF AS SOUNDING LIKE I BELONG IN AN INSANE ASYLUM??

when these thoughts of doubt start creeping in, it really fucks with me. because learning to trust my instincts, learning to listen to my needs, learning to put myself first and accept myself has been a priority for about a minute. so then if i am to trust all the good things that come out. when i start doubting, do i then trust that feeling or emotion instead? ARGH!!!!

it's been about an hour since i wrote that heartfelt piece and even though i really wasn't expecting a response, now that i haven't gotten one kinda just confirms my doubt of my sanity. I HATE THIS!!!

**hold on. wait a minute.
i just discovered something.

it's just a feeling, just an emotion. just because i feel it doesn't mean it's actually real. which all means that in the past i would get all pissed off that the person i sent the text to because, well because my feelings were saying that he's an asshole for not responding. i would interpret my feelings of doubt and his unresponsiveness to him being an asshole. wow, lucky guy, huh?

and now i don't have any ill feelings towards the guy. i mean just an hour ago i was grateful for knowing him and telling him how much i appreciate him. if i all of a sudden thought of him as an asshole for my deductive reasoning, THAT WOULD MAKE ME INSANE- and more than likely put the other person through a torturous hell. wow. i did that. i used to be that way. i have hurt many people because of those doubts and my reactions to those doubts.

i have been called an evil person, i have been told that i am not a good person. - those words hurt me deeper that i had ever been hurt before. i felt as if my soul had been violently ripped from me. i knew i wasn't an evil person. i KNEW it. i FELT it deep down. that's what i loved about myself and trusted 100%. i would not and could not ever hurt anyone or anything intentionally. intentionally

which brings me back to full circle from this morning's post i thought i still needed to ponder on. WOW. WOW!!! life is amazing. simple really. so simple that it's the most complicating thing ever.

something must be right, because i just now received a nice job offer to shoot a fave band of mine. i rock. :)


celiece