finding what makes you happy

saturday night. i'm supposed to be somewhere with a friend at 9:30. i look at the clock and now it's 10:30. he's been ready to go, i'm in this yucky funk. not because i don't want to go out, but because i'm not really wanting to be alive at this moment. he tells me if i dont want to go, we dont have to. something inside of me released, and then i started feeling horribly guilty that i was making him stay in.
i walked over to him and held on to him as if the chance i were to let go, i'd fall into that deep black hole that seems to be sucking me towards it.
right now it's hard to write about that moment because i'm not in that moment right now.
and i have a hard time relating to my own experiences if i'm not feeling that emotion at that time either.

maybe when i am back in that state i will be able to write more about it. as of now, i feel like i'm cheating on myself. what i'm feeling today is that i amaze myself at how funny i can be sometimes. they way you can train your mind to start thinking in a certain way without knowing it.

last night i eventually went to sleep after spending 2 hours in the kitchen with a new friend talking about life, relationships and the way society says a man should pursue a woman. i really enjoy listening to other people's experiences and interpretations of life. i learn so much about what it is to be a human and so much more about myself. i suppose the real truth in me enjoying listening to other people is that it takes me away from my own life bubble (or deflating one) for awhile.
i've been on an extended vacation from life. i left my house almost a month ago. not planning it, but my being led me to it. i mean, i brought two pairs of underwear with me. i usually wear more than two pairs of underwear in three weeks.

i hate that i can't just be me. but who is me? why do i have this sensation that there is nothing on this planet for me? why do i feel as if there are two of me, but not two of me on this plane. some parallel universe. could that explain why nothing is ever a contradiction to me? it is, but it isn't. or i don't understand what it is that i really do understand. or if i understand something, why don't i understand it? yin yang. same thing, but it isnt.

wisdom. knowledge. learning. teaching. passions. being an individual. finding what is your life path. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? being part of the crowd of untruth? an individual of untruth? the first thing you have to do is be HONEST with yourself.

i am not part of this earthly world. the fact that i have to succumb to such really pisses me off.

i wish i could sing all day. i wish i could put makeup on a clean face all day, i wish i could look at the world through my camera all day, and i wish i could have three hour long conversations listening and learning and asking with the few people on this earth i have allowed myself to come close to. why can't i? who says i can't? society says i can't. bullshit. i don''t live for society. i live for life. i wasn't put on this planet so i can assist corporations make more and more money to build more and more gadgets that make humans less like humans and more like robots. (although on the flipside, i love the fact that i can text someone instead of committing to a conversation if i don't want to)

my ex is a robot. he fucked me up really badly. he's part of this world. the funny thing, is that he's not. but he so badly wants to fit in and make something happen on this planet. to prove to someone. not even to himself. to you guys. i guess that i was wrong when i assumed that artistic and creative people were all the same in some spiritual way. so maybe he didn't fuck me up. i did that to myself. anyways, people said that i changed after him. that i am not who i used to be. well dood, you get someone telling you that you are stupid, too emotional, a horrible person and need to grow up, you'd be more cautious too. and i haven't been able to find myself since. i guess i don't blame him too much for this lesson i have been going through the past year. i suppose it would have happened anyway. he just happened to be there. i happened to pick him to play a part in it. so if anything, i should thank him for it. yup, thank him for fucking me up. what's wrong with that sentence???

right now i thank and appreciate that i am able to experience all these emotions and that i have the opportunity to learn about myself with each lesson placed before me. do i believe that each lesson is to prepare you for the next chapter in life? not necessarily. but the experience never hurts. (um, yeah, actually in the literal sense it does- derf)

just always be honest with yourself. even if you aren't honest with other people, be honest with yourself.

celiece