a little something i have been playing with...
last week i went through a pretty horrific experience. some of it real, some of it make believe... whatever did happen though has left a nice big imprint in my mind which has kinda got me thinking about making a little short reliving the experience. we'll see what i come up with :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
yes. you did. i am not lying! stop telling me i'm not telling the truth
why do i listen? why do i care what you think? god? something is not right. how can i change my way of thinking? how can i begin to realize that i can walk away? walk away knowing that i am right. at least right for having emotions. THE right to have an opinion.
what must it be like to live in his head. where only money matters? where it only matters what movie you get to direct. what show you get to next see your name in the credits??? the swag at any fucking film festival.
i wish my life were that simple.
but, back to the reason of this post. YES, YOU DID. you did say my emotions were wrong. you offered your solutions. your very first solution was to tell me i was wrong.
about my own emotions.
celiece
what must it be like to live in his head. where only money matters? where it only matters what movie you get to direct. what show you get to next see your name in the credits??? the swag at any fucking film festival.
i wish my life were that simple.
but, back to the reason of this post. YES, YOU DID. you did say my emotions were wrong. you offered your solutions. your very first solution was to tell me i was wrong.
about my own emotions.
celiece
Monday, August 20, 2007
darker and darker
the moments of life between the smiles on my face are getting darker and darker. longer and longer. and each day gets scarier and scarier.
tonight i was the most honest i have ever been since this extended vacation from happiness. it felt good to let it out. it felt good to express for the first time.
then i was told that what i was feeling, the emotions i am experiencing are not true.
hello darkness. how long this time? how much more can i take? how much more before i'm sitting on a mound of salt created by evaporated tears that will no longer flow.
how can an emotion not be true? you're telling me i may as well be dead. over dramatic maybe? no. how dare you tell me that to have the emotions i have is wrong. how do i not feel. how do i turn that off. i only wish sooooo badly i could not have these emotions. not be capable of my passions.
i wasn't even talking about you. i wasn't even talking about troubles we once had. i was being honest about me. my journey. my lessons, my experience with passions and pain.
if i am not who i am. then who the fuck am i?
celiece
tonight i was the most honest i have ever been since this extended vacation from happiness. it felt good to let it out. it felt good to express for the first time.
then i was told that what i was feeling, the emotions i am experiencing are not true.
hello darkness. how long this time? how much more can i take? how much more before i'm sitting on a mound of salt created by evaporated tears that will no longer flow.
how can an emotion not be true? you're telling me i may as well be dead. over dramatic maybe? no. how dare you tell me that to have the emotions i have is wrong. how do i not feel. how do i turn that off. i only wish sooooo badly i could not have these emotions. not be capable of my passions.
i wasn't even talking about you. i wasn't even talking about troubles we once had. i was being honest about me. my journey. my lessons, my experience with passions and pain.
if i am not who i am. then who the fuck am i?
celiece
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
i wish...
i wish i could take back every single text i ever sent to you. i wish i could take away any of the love i ever given to you. i wish you could treat me as if i were a human being. i wish you were capable of treating me like a human being. i wish i were strong enough and had a high enough self-esteem to really believe that i am more deserving than how you treat me.
why does it hurt me so? why does my heart scream with pain? why does it feel my heart is literally being torn in different pieces? why do i crave what is not good for me?
i wish i didn't care. i wish i didn't see deeper into the meaning of what it is to live. to live is to love. to share. to receive. to keep building and building.
there is no control. everyone is equal. reciprocation.
i am allowing myself to be treated less than a human being. I AM ALLOWING IT. i ask for it. is that why it hurts so much? because i know it's not right? i know this is not the way for me, yet i fight it. maybe that is what is really hurting. not his treatment towards me.
i'm fighting what i know is the right way for me. i'm fighting my love, my heart, my soul. i'm fighting who and what i know is me.
we control because we are scared. we treat others unkindly because we are scared. we want to control others for fear of them controlling us.
that is when relationships grow sour. i swore that wouldn't happen in my last one. but then again, i only make up one half of the relationship. he also plays a role. the role he said he was going to play was not the role he ended up playing.
when is it ok for a relationship to turn into a competition? isnt there enough of that crap in this world? i dont want my relationship to be that as well. i want my relationship to be a safe-haven. a place i can feel at peace. a place i can share my views and thoughts without anyone taking offense or feeling attacked.
because my thoughts are after all only thoughts. not truths. they become truths when you let them. if you allow truths to destroy you, you lose sight of the safe haven and purity of your relationship.
i love him. i wish i didn't love him. i wish i didn't allow him to think it's ok to treat me less than who i am.
a very dear friend of mine (bc, you are so precious to me and i love you!) told me today after reading this blog:
you are a dear heart and whomever told you otherwise, i feel bad for, as they are missing the light you can shine with if you are left to be who you are.
i'm not writing this to hurt anyone or to make anyone feel badly about themselves. once again these are only my thoughts and feelings.
all i am about is love. i'm just having a hard time finding the one i am able to truly reciprocate love and growth with.
maybe i was not put on this earth to experience it. just to teach and share. but then, that is not what life is about. life is to love is to build and grow.
i wish i could grow with you. i wish you could see another way of being. i wish i could stop wishing you could do something you aren't capable of doing right now.
as of right now, just like him, i can only do what i know and what i am capable of. we are who we are and should not be judged for what we can not see. only hope and pray that a new way will be shown to us and them.
knowing that there is more is the first step. allowing yourself to being open to more is the second step.
letting go is hard. fear sets in. control takes over.
letting go is hard. fear sets in.
letting go is hard.
letting go.
let go.
love. equality. wisdom. peace.
i love you.
celiece
why does it hurt me so? why does my heart scream with pain? why does it feel my heart is literally being torn in different pieces? why do i crave what is not good for me?
i wish i didn't care. i wish i didn't see deeper into the meaning of what it is to live. to live is to love. to share. to receive. to keep building and building.
there is no control. everyone is equal. reciprocation.
i am allowing myself to be treated less than a human being. I AM ALLOWING IT. i ask for it. is that why it hurts so much? because i know it's not right? i know this is not the way for me, yet i fight it. maybe that is what is really hurting. not his treatment towards me.
i'm fighting what i know is the right way for me. i'm fighting my love, my heart, my soul. i'm fighting who and what i know is me.
we control because we are scared. we treat others unkindly because we are scared. we want to control others for fear of them controlling us.
that is when relationships grow sour. i swore that wouldn't happen in my last one. but then again, i only make up one half of the relationship. he also plays a role. the role he said he was going to play was not the role he ended up playing.
when is it ok for a relationship to turn into a competition? isnt there enough of that crap in this world? i dont want my relationship to be that as well. i want my relationship to be a safe-haven. a place i can feel at peace. a place i can share my views and thoughts without anyone taking offense or feeling attacked.
because my thoughts are after all only thoughts. not truths. they become truths when you let them. if you allow truths to destroy you, you lose sight of the safe haven and purity of your relationship.
i love him. i wish i didn't love him. i wish i didn't allow him to think it's ok to treat me less than who i am.
a very dear friend of mine (bc, you are so precious to me and i love you!) told me today after reading this blog:
you are a dear heart and whomever told you otherwise, i feel bad for, as they are missing the light you can shine with if you are left to be who you are.
i'm not writing this to hurt anyone or to make anyone feel badly about themselves. once again these are only my thoughts and feelings.
all i am about is love. i'm just having a hard time finding the one i am able to truly reciprocate love and growth with.
maybe i was not put on this earth to experience it. just to teach and share. but then, that is not what life is about. life is to love is to build and grow.
i wish i could grow with you. i wish you could see another way of being. i wish i could stop wishing you could do something you aren't capable of doing right now.
as of right now, just like him, i can only do what i know and what i am capable of. we are who we are and should not be judged for what we can not see. only hope and pray that a new way will be shown to us and them.
knowing that there is more is the first step. allowing yourself to being open to more is the second step.
letting go is hard. fear sets in. control takes over.
letting go is hard. fear sets in.
letting go is hard.
letting go.
let go.
love. equality. wisdom. peace.
i love you.
celiece
Sunday, July 22, 2007
doubt wants to pay a visit? sure! why not?
AHHH!!! there are too many thoughts just zooming through my head. flying around so much faster than i can keep up with to remember, let alone type out everything.. i remember when i used to have journal entries that just had a huge scratch march across the page because i wasn't able to tame any of these pieces of my unseen self long enough to turn them into something tangible and something that we as present day humans could possibly regard as an acceptable form of communication. boy, i bet if i were a cave woman, grunts and moans would have been appropriate, huh?
back to the title at hand.
where does doubt come from ? what are the limits and boundaries of doubt? how much of a role do you allow it to play in your life? i'm asking this right now because just a few moments ago i felt insanely compelled to write a letter, note, or an SMS text if you will. i was overwhelmed by such an amazing emotion of love, gratefulness and appreciation for life. basically i was in a place that made me feel so good! smiles and hugs and kisses.. just kidding.. you get the idea. so i'm typing away about learning that loving someone is not synonymous with having to share your life with them, or that they will even love you back for that matter. the words are just flowing smoothly without any thought to them. i dove a little deeper into the realm of my spirit and how i wanted to turn my longings into something that the realm of my physical being can also participate in completely. ok, now send. because i was very happy when i was writing it, everything seemed to fit into place. in fact i didn't even have a second thought.
then the little 'd' for delivered showed up in my messages list. good, it was delivered ok. let me just read over what i wrote again to stay on this 'high' on life.
uh oh. am i insane? i mean spirit realms, cravings and longings for my physical self? what the fuck am i talking about? i think i have lost it. but i make sense to me. every now and then... but, everything just connected and the world and life made sense with this way of thinking yesterday. i even wrote it down to make sure i can practice these thoughts and apply my newfound wisdom into everyday life.
if i am to embrace myself and trust my thoughts and KNOW that i am a good person with only the best intent, WHY DO I COME OFF AS SOUNDING LIKE I BELONG IN AN INSANE ASYLUM??
when these thoughts of doubt start creeping in, it really fucks with me. because learning to trust my instincts, learning to listen to my needs, learning to put myself first and accept myself has been a priority for about a minute. so then if i am to trust all the good things that come out. when i start doubting, do i then trust that feeling or emotion instead? ARGH!!!!
it's been about an hour since i wrote that heartfelt piece and even though i really wasn't expecting a response, now that i haven't gotten one kinda just confirms my doubt of my sanity. I HATE THIS!!!
**hold on. wait a minute.
i just discovered something.
it's just a feeling, just an emotion. just because i feel it doesn't mean it's actually real. which all means that in the past i would get all pissed off that the person i sent the text to because, well because my feelings were saying that he's an asshole for not responding. i would interpret my feelings of doubt and his unresponsiveness to him being an asshole. wow, lucky guy, huh?
and now i don't have any ill feelings towards the guy. i mean just an hour ago i was grateful for knowing him and telling him how much i appreciate him. if i all of a sudden thought of him as an asshole for my deductive reasoning, THAT WOULD MAKE ME INSANE- and more than likely put the other person through a torturous hell. wow. i did that. i used to be that way. i have hurt many people because of those doubts and my reactions to those doubts.
i have been called an evil person, i have been told that i am not a good person. - those words hurt me deeper that i had ever been hurt before. i felt as if my soul had been violently ripped from me. i knew i wasn't an evil person. i KNEW it. i FELT it deep down. that's what i loved about myself and trusted 100%. i would not and could not ever hurt anyone or anything intentionally. intentionally
which brings me back to full circle from this morning's post i thought i still needed to ponder on. WOW. WOW!!! life is amazing. simple really. so simple that it's the most complicating thing ever.
something must be right, because i just now received a nice job offer to shoot a fave band of mine. i rock. :)
celiece
back to the title at hand.
where does doubt come from ? what are the limits and boundaries of doubt? how much of a role do you allow it to play in your life? i'm asking this right now because just a few moments ago i felt insanely compelled to write a letter, note, or an SMS text if you will. i was overwhelmed by such an amazing emotion of love, gratefulness and appreciation for life. basically i was in a place that made me feel so good! smiles and hugs and kisses.. just kidding.. you get the idea. so i'm typing away about learning that loving someone is not synonymous with having to share your life with them, or that they will even love you back for that matter. the words are just flowing smoothly without any thought to them. i dove a little deeper into the realm of my spirit and how i wanted to turn my longings into something that the realm of my physical being can also participate in completely. ok, now send. because i was very happy when i was writing it, everything seemed to fit into place. in fact i didn't even have a second thought.
then the little 'd' for delivered showed up in my messages list. good, it was delivered ok. let me just read over what i wrote again to stay on this 'high' on life.
uh oh. am i insane? i mean spirit realms, cravings and longings for my physical self? what the fuck am i talking about? i think i have lost it. but i make sense to me. every now and then... but, everything just connected and the world and life made sense with this way of thinking yesterday. i even wrote it down to make sure i can practice these thoughts and apply my newfound wisdom into everyday life.
if i am to embrace myself and trust my thoughts and KNOW that i am a good person with only the best intent, WHY DO I COME OFF AS SOUNDING LIKE I BELONG IN AN INSANE ASYLUM??
when these thoughts of doubt start creeping in, it really fucks with me. because learning to trust my instincts, learning to listen to my needs, learning to put myself first and accept myself has been a priority for about a minute. so then if i am to trust all the good things that come out. when i start doubting, do i then trust that feeling or emotion instead? ARGH!!!!
it's been about an hour since i wrote that heartfelt piece and even though i really wasn't expecting a response, now that i haven't gotten one kinda just confirms my doubt of my sanity. I HATE THIS!!!
**hold on. wait a minute.
i just discovered something.
it's just a feeling, just an emotion. just because i feel it doesn't mean it's actually real. which all means that in the past i would get all pissed off that the person i sent the text to because, well because my feelings were saying that he's an asshole for not responding. i would interpret my feelings of doubt and his unresponsiveness to him being an asshole. wow, lucky guy, huh?
and now i don't have any ill feelings towards the guy. i mean just an hour ago i was grateful for knowing him and telling him how much i appreciate him. if i all of a sudden thought of him as an asshole for my deductive reasoning, THAT WOULD MAKE ME INSANE- and more than likely put the other person through a torturous hell. wow. i did that. i used to be that way. i have hurt many people because of those doubts and my reactions to those doubts.
i have been called an evil person, i have been told that i am not a good person. - those words hurt me deeper that i had ever been hurt before. i felt as if my soul had been violently ripped from me. i knew i wasn't an evil person. i KNEW it. i FELT it deep down. that's what i loved about myself and trusted 100%. i would not and could not ever hurt anyone or anything intentionally. intentionally
which brings me back to full circle from this morning's post i thought i still needed to ponder on. WOW. WOW!!! life is amazing. simple really. so simple that it's the most complicating thing ever.
something must be right, because i just now received a nice job offer to shoot a fave band of mine. i rock. :)
celiece
a reminder for myself...
...to ponder a little bit about this little thing-like:
ignorance or intent
an equally 'evil' outcome is produced by each one of these actions. is it fair?
if i can remember these thoughts in my head (i just woke up and had to write this down before i forgot!!) hopefully i'll be able to elaborate more. i would love to hear anyone's opinions and interpretations- let the fun begin! :) back to bed now. nite nite
celiece
ignorance or intent
an equally 'evil' outcome is produced by each one of these actions. is it fair?
if i can remember these thoughts in my head (i just woke up and had to write this down before i forgot!!) hopefully i'll be able to elaborate more. i would love to hear anyone's opinions and interpretations- let the fun begin! :) back to bed now. nite nite
celiece
Friday, July 20, 2007
codependency? or am i just too nice?
Codependency is putting more value in what others think about you than taking care of yourself even in the face of letting people down. hmmm... is that what codependency means? this whole time i thought i was just a really nice person and i would rather be inconvenienced than letting someone else feel uncomfortable. because it usually didn't bother me - for the first 30 years.
oops, gotta work.. be back with more. eventually
celiece
oops, gotta work.. be back with more. eventually
celiece
Thursday, July 19, 2007
without music - i wouldn't be
the best part about being a human being besides having the ability to love, is to be able to listen to a piece of music and just be. closing your eyes if you will, being in a mostly dark large room, music up as loud as it will go and then allowing your body to do what it does. jump up and down, jumping jacks, spin in as many circles before you fall to a bodybymusic lump on the ground.... no one cares because everyone is doing the same. how good does your heart feel? my soul feels as if i have paid it some attention, given it some tlc. i feel alive and worth something, because i am listening to my body's language. i am in tune with the needs of my soul.
remember yourself.
love yourself.
be honest with yourself.
this blog was brought on by music from all over the world, of course, but today my favorite is Aggression by Mendoza
remember yourself.
love yourself.
be honest with yourself.
this blog was brought on by music from all over the world, of course, but today my favorite is Aggression by Mendoza
in love
i'm much happier when i am in love. does that make me co-dependant? or i just prefer to live life when i can share it with a man i am in love with...
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